Friday, May 16, 2008

Softcore porn for housewives

Hey, did I get your attention with that subject line?

I tried reading a paperback romance the other day. Previously, I've only flipped through them, snickering at the poor dialogue and wondering how many synonyms for "heat" the author was able to find. I'm just not the demographic those novels--to use the word loosely--are meant for. They're meant for housewives who feel neglected and/or under-appreciated, if the wish fulfillment is any indicator. Relationships always work out, in spite of any seemingly insurmountable problems or Tragic Pasts. It's all about her--there's so much licking and teasing and fondling going on (or down?), it's a wonder they ever consummate their burning, burning love, but when they do, oh, oh, it's so worth it. Babies are always wanted and usually come along with the picket fence and a wedding ring. And goodness, but the women always have cute clothes to wear.

A few notes on this particular book (title and author omitted out respect), which I quit reading after about 100 torturous pages and instead flipped through:
  • Do we really still use the word "loins" in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries? Moreover, do we do so when mentally flashing back to particular moments?
  • Blue eyes are always piercing in a hero. I dunno, but if I were the protagonist, I'd kinda wish he wore sunglasses more to avoid any Medusa-like occurrences.
  • And dude, what's with the chiseled jaw? They're a dime a dozen amongst romance love interests.
  • "She wanted desperately to hate this man, but she discovered that a thousand anguished thoughts and four bitter years hadn't erased him from her savagely beating heart."
  • Do blondes flip their "golden locks" around more than women with other colors of hair? 'Cause this one sure seems to do a lot of head tossing.
  • Yay for adverbs. They don't just "say" anything; they say things "icily" and "calmly" and "dangerously" and "seductively," sometimes all in rapid succession.
  • "She wasn't still in love with Chandler: she couldn't still be that big a fool." Um, actually...
  • Unnecessary verbiage: depending on the body parts involved, "sensually licked" hardly needs to be stated.
  • Yeah, it really turns me on, too, when a guy threatens to "break [my] pretty little neck." Oooh, you manly, manly, icy-eyed stud.
  • "Callie felt the flames of passion begin to burn low in the most feminine parts of her body." Woo-ee, it's starting to heat up.
  • "Claimed her?" What, like a homestead?

2 comments:

Robert said...

Wow, so I was doing some self-editing over at The Skewed View and suddenly noticed that you linked to one of my posts. Just wanted to say thanks - I felt honored.

I've likewise added your blog to my reading list - good stuff here. Sorry it took me six months to realize that you found Skewed... I'm usually a bit more prompt than that.

Foxfire said...

*snigger* Don't forget calling names in their fullest glories. *falls out of bed laughing*