Monday, March 3, 2008

Arming up

Knights, soldiers, and other warrior-types always take protective measures when heading out to battle baddies and other sundry folks. It's wise--after all, if someone's coming after you with something dangerous like a lance, gun, hatchet, halberd, knife, or katana, it's best to be prepared for the worst. I suppose the main thing they're trying to protect are vital organs and such.

However, there are other less dramatic battles waged on a regular basis, battles in which vital organs are not in danger (directly, anyway) and whose injuries can be just as painful.

We've all heard of the medieval tactic of pouring boiling oil over an invading army, correct? I can almost guarantee a chef came up with that.

The kitchen is a dangerous place. Knives can be mastered, as can wayward graters. Frying pans can be wrested from the hands of an angry spouse. The inevitable debris from breaking glasses and plates can be cleaned up. But there's no controlling the spitting of an irate pan of frying grease, no way to control the billowing steam that fogs up glasses and threatens to scald hands. Even the kitchen sink is not safe if the water comes out scalding hot (and, a creative writing classmate once demonstrated, people can do Very Bad and Violent Things with a disposal).

We need kitchen armor, something along the lines of a lightweight hazmat suit, complete with face guards. And gauntlets. Gauntlets are the bare minimum requirement for doing battle on the homefront. Or in the home, as the case may be.

Now playing: Emilie Autumn - Rose Red
via FoxyTunes

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